A Journey of Self Love

Self love is a very popular topic, especially the last few years. As positive an idea as it seems, I find it's definitely a mixed bag.

Growing up, I was a chubby kid, but in my late teens and early twenties, I became morbidly obese. I endured sexual abuse at the age of 7, and that set the tone for the decline of my self-esteem.

Even as I’m writing this I realize I’m becoming super analytical and choking back the more creative side of me.

Another great example is that part of me still feels that I’m only loveable under certain conditions. Funny how those conditions change depending on who’s judging us.

The world grooms us to always put others first and that any excessive liking of yourself is frowned upon and you’re quickly labeled egotistical and selfish.

It is more acceptable and actually often encouraged to put ourselves down and pretend we are small and insecure. All because if we like ourselves that somehow really pisses others off.

As a woman, I got the message loud and clear as a child that I don't matter unless someone else says I do.

A lady is seen and not heard ya know.

She is told that being a giver and pleasing people will be her sole purpose in life. Sacrifice your needs for others. Isn’t that the honorable way to be a better human?

And above all else, you absolutely should not love yourself!

I sit here wondering if there is even one area of my life that hasn’t been impacted by self-love.

I can remember walking around with my shoulders slumped praying to be invisible. I’m super sensitive and being in this world always felt like a nonstop attack on my system.

So for many years, I struggled with chronic anxiety and depression.

The anxiety was so bad that I developed agoraphobia and didn’t leave my home for 3 years.

I always knew deep down that things would change even when it seemed utterly hopeless.

I searched inside and got very honest with myself about how I was feeling.

As I began my journey of healing I noticed that most everyone doubted me and the changes I would make.

We can smile in people’s faces and tell them we wish them well. But the truth is, when people actually make changes beyond what we think they should, people get jealous and triggered.

For years I studied health, nutrition, and different forms of psychology, really trying to know who I was and what I wanted.

I forced myself to continuously step outside of my comfort zones.

I lost over 100lbs, all on my own. I moved across the country and my entire life changed for the better.

I remember when I lost the first 40 lbs I was told, Oh you’re a skinny bitch now eh? It was like I was no longer a part of the overweight females' group in my family, and in their eyes, I had somehow betrayed them. Just by loving myself more! 

I started feeling so much safer and more comfortable in my body.

I no longer walked into a room wanting to hide.

I stood up straight and looked everyone in the eyes, asking for what I needed.

But then I noticed that many people didn’t like my newfound self-confidence!

I actually was in a bit of shock. How in the hell were people now mad at me and treating me as if I had done something wrong? All because I was willing to love myself more?

The resentment grew within me.

I felt attacked most of the time or I was always on guard assuming that people really wanted me to hate myself. Just so they felt a bit better about themselves.

I truly believe that self-love is about doing what feels right for you, regardless of what others think. 

In the early stages of loving ourselves more, we have to remember that we are clearing out old toxic patterns of being.

It sounds lovely to wake up one day and think you’re going to love and respect yourself more. But there is a lot more to it than that.

We are learning an entirely new way of being.

People-pleasing patterns, and distorted viewpoints about our bodies, relationships, and life in general have to be released.

You will lose people as you make yourself a priority in your life.

That used to terrify me. I wanted everyone I loved to come with me. I honestly thought that if they didn’t want to move forward with me that I had to stay stuck with them.

It felt so personal to me for so long. I couldn’t comprehend why some people absolutely refused to make positive changes in their lives.

It was especially stressful because I felt bound by their choices or no choices.

Our joy will surely piss some people off, but please be joyful anyway.

Giving ourselves the right to feel good regardless of what others are experiencing is essential to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Yes, there will always be people who judge you.

Yes, there will be people that use you as a reflection of their own self-hate.

But in the end, it is YOU that decides if you will let outside forces and opinions dictate the kind of relationship you have with yourself.

Loving ourselves is a moment-by-moment thing.

It isn’t something set in stone where you say you love yourself and that’s it.

Nope, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to reassess what self-love means for you. Checking in to see if you really want to do things or if you are simply people-pleasing will be an ongoing thing.

We are taught it is better to be surrounded by people and dislike ourselves than to be alone but living our truth.

Of course, it isn't necessary to be alone to love yourself, it just might feel lonely in the beginning.

For me, it was important to spend a lot of time alone at first.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure who I was after having others' opinions, desires, and dreams dumped on me for years.

I took the time alone to ponder and make lists about what I truly liked and what I didn't give a shit about, but I thought I was supposed to.

Once I had the list of things I really liked I began making time to do those things each day. Before I would even look at email or text I would do at least one thing that was just for me.

I quickly noticed that I felt more energized and excited throughout my day.

Any days that I didn’t put myself first it was remarkable how quickly I felt drained and full of resistance. 

The work I do with others requires me to be in a good space.

Helping others be more empowered requires me to follow my own guidance.

With all the negative kickback I experienced as I made positive changes in my life. I can easily say my work is where I see the beautiful side of this journey.

There isn’t a day that goes by that when speaking with a client I don’t see how loving myself is positively impacting their lives. 

There’s a common misconception that if something is normal then it's ok. Normal doesn’t mean healthy.

For instance people in abusive relationships, the abuse might be normal to them but absolutely doesn’t mean it's healthy.

Same with self-love.

Perhaps it seems normal to only love yourself a certain amount. Usually, the amount your parents or other caregivers allowed themselves to feel. And anything beyond that is super uncomfortable, perhaps even terrifying.

Making the changes won’t be comfortable, but will staying stuck not liking or even hating yourself be?

Taking little steps will build confidence and consistency is really key to lasting changes.

I used to do one little thing differently each day, like brushing my teeth with the opposite hand.

It might seem silly but it really worked.

If we try to push too far too fast we will get overwhelmed and sabotage ourselves.

I don’t expect everyone to think or want the same things that I do. I know that not everyone will even give a shit about loving themselves more.

I just know that this is my personal journey. And if I respect and love myself more I feel happy and I can help so many others see more of their greatness and beauty.

We are all worthy of wonderful things.

Life is not about lessons, that always felt so heavy to me.

Sure we all go through difficult times, but I know that life is meant to be enjoyed as well.

There’s the story I love of how crabs will pull other crabs back into the bucket as they try to escape. Another way of saying misery loves company.

I’m that crab that got the fuck outta the bucket! 

I get it, I’ll always be too much for some people.

Too loud, too talented, too happy...too something.

I have to give more shits about how I feel than about what anyone else will say or think about me.

I also know that I will be and I am an inspiration for others to take the next steps to living a life they truly desire.

Each day I remind myself of what is good about me being the best version of me that I can be that particular day.

It is way easier now to walk away from limiting and unhealthy things.

I allow myself to know when something is simply a no for me. Not making myself wrong for living my life and also releasing myself of any responsibility for what others are creating.

Took me a long time to acknowledge that some people actually want to stay in that bucket. 

No amount of money, material possessions, or any relationship will ever fill that emptiness that must be filled in by you.

We all experience pain, trauma, and disappointments.

Mistakenly we think if I had this thing or this person I would feel better.

That is all a lie that many will never acknowledge. Continuously searching for the missing piece. If they love me I will be ok, or if I have this job or live here I will finally be whole, complete, and happy.

The truth is this way of looking at things stems from us not loving and honoring ourselves.

The reasons we do this are too numerous to count. But thankfully we don't actually need to know the reasons why in order to change it.

A question I like to ask myself most days is. I wonder what would happen if I loved myself a little bit more today?

This isn’t a question to be answered cognitively, it opens us up to enormous possibilities that we couldn’t see before.

Our ability to love and accept ourselves starts with a choice. Drop the judgments, love yourself, and have fun!

~Althea Montgomery