Stop Chasing People

Many years ago I had a serious fear of abandonment.

It would often show up as me feeling concerned that people were mad at me, for no particular reason.

Which meant I had done something bad and would result in being left.

And when my mom died it obviously amplified much of those feelings.

I had this deep hurt inside that felt as if I had done something wrong, otherwise: my mom wouldn’t have died.

Not logical at all, but feelings aren’t logical.

The anxiety around others I cared about suddenly leaving me started to show up as an energy of chasing, insecurity, and distraction.

I mostly experienced this in friendships.

But, I know countless people, mostly women, who sit by the phone obsessing over a love interest calling or texting them.

You could read about attachment styles, rehash years or lifetimes of trauma but thankfully none of that is really necessary.

The crux of it is that if you are chasing people, wondering if they like you, anxiously awaiting their reply and desperate for their attention.

It means that you don’t feel safe and you have made them greater than you on some level. 

You’re not bad or wrong.

It just can’t go on like that for an extended period of time.

Eventually you will either create the person leaving, to confirm you're correct about not being good enough and always abandoned.

Or, you will begin to resent them because you’re expecting them to fill a perceived void that they can’t actually fill. 

Here are some tips to stop chasing:

• Notice when you’re doing it- How do you know you’re chasing? Are you nervously checking your phone? Trying to say or do the right things to be liked? What are the signs for you?
• Be Aware of the Triggers- What happened to stimulate the chase response? Did they not respond quickly enough? Did you get some bad news and you started feeling insecure? Get curious about what sets this off within you.
• Let the feelings be- Start by honoring the feelings. Not judging, or pushing to change them. Know that your feelings are valid and they are trying to keep you safe.
• Choose a different response- Now you’re aware of the way you don’t want to be and feel. And you get to choose how you prefer to feel instead. Yes, it can be that simple. Each time you become aware of an old pattern and take a moment to choose a different path you are breaking a state. It won’t be long until you naturally are in the new desired state consistently and no longer react the old way.

After using the tips just a few times you’ll notice you can relax more about it all.

You will begin to look at things from very different perspectives that you never thought of.

Instead of your first response going to the worst and ruminating all night you will not take things so personally because you are feeling safer within.

As always, no matter what is happening in your world remember to be kind with yourself, you definitely deserve it!

If you’d like a super quick way to release patterns of worry, rumination and fear check out my Daily Rebalance Clearing.

And if you’d like my help releasing deeper entanglements around relationships and safety you can schedule a session here.